I was 26 when I had my first son, Mason. I was literally in labor on our one-year wedding anniversary. When Mason came, I just got this new sense of confidence. If I had any confidence before that, it was because I had been in fitness for a little bit and I was feeling confident there. But outside of the fitness umbrella…definitely not. I really feel like that burst of confidence kind of prepared me for what would come next. We tried for my second son, Max, for about four years. During that time, I just kept thinking–what is it? Why am I not conceiving? I’m a cancer survivor, so I felt like maybe it had something to do with that. I also have Crohn’s Disease, so I thought it could even be that. But everything was fine. Clean bill of health. After trying for so long, I had given up on conceiving again. And then…it just happened.

I thought there was something different about him. Initially, I felt like my baby was just moving in his own time and pace. I started noticing things like him not making eye contact–he could hear me, but not making eye contact. Not playing with his brother. He’d play next to him…but not with him. He kind of always seemed like he had a beat in his head. So, there were a lot of repetitive movements. There was also a speech delay. My first son, Mason, had a speech delay too. But when we did speech therapy with him, that kid was reading by the time he was three, so I wasn’t worried. And I also thought it was good for Max to kind of try to keep up with his brother, and I was like he’ll catch up in his own time. But at six months, we tried baby food. He didn’t really seem to like it, so I was like, ‘Ok, so what? Not a big deal.’ As time went on, he still wasn’t eating. That was the sign. He would not eat food. I said, ‘Ok, something’s up.’

Max was diagnosed with autism in 2018. So, we’ve been trying to navigate as an AUsome family ever since. It’s been a blessing. We’ve learned so much about that kid and, in his very few words, he’s taught us so much about ourselves. I think getting his diagnosis and then moving into quarantine–that’s when Max flourished…when we were all together all the time. He started to repeat phrases or words. Recently, he started to actually show emotion. He used to put his hand on my lap, or something, if I was crying or teary-eyed. But now he’s like, “Oh no, Mommy crying!” And for him to actually verbalize that, you know, it’s huge. My husband and I have purchased every sort of sippy cup there is. Every bottle. We kind of just test things. Every sort of protein, every recipe to try to sneak in a little more nutrients. And Max…he’s stubborn. He’ll literally grab the bottle and say, “No.” And you know we even, kind of going off an article we’ve read or something we’ve heard, we we’re like maybe we need to force him to try new foods…my kid didn’t eat for a day and a half. You know, and was crying and I’m like ok this is too far. Like, it has to be a Medela bottle…that’s just what it is. And it has to be one percent milk. My 9-year-old, Mason, was recently diagnosed with ADHD. So, we’ve found out how similar autism and ADHD can be, but they are two totally different beings.

I’ve never wanted Mason to feel like he was left out or forgotten. You know, but it’s hard when you have a kid who is…you know he’s four years older than Max, he can do a lot of things on his own. So then, there’s expectation put on him like, “No, I laid your clothes out, go get dressed.” It doesn’t allow for him to be a child as much as Max has been. So, I try to find balance between the two. There’s a lot of mom guilt. Like a whole lot. You know, being an AUsome mom is–it’s tough. I feel like I’m trying to cope with the anxiety right now. Because I’m so worried about how one single action, or one thing that I say, can scar them. But I have to remind myself that kids are resilient. And we are all in this together. So, as parents Q and I have really been trying to give ourselves grace. But as a caregiver, I’m burned out. Mason didn’t sleep through the night until Max was born and Max didn’t start sleeping through the night until he was 4. So, yea, sleep deprivation is just a thing. I thrive on caffeine and that’s what it is. I’m ok with that right now. There’s a lot of things that just have to go out the window because their needs come first. So, yea I feel like burn out is expected and we try to do our best through the burn out. I just feel like I am learning life through my children and it’s been a wild ride. We’re just trying to make the puzzle pieces fit even though we don’t know what the picture looks like. And it’s been a journey. So right now, I feel like it’s chaotic, but in the most organized fashion. It’s our groove. And I’m ok with it.

I’m proud to say I’m proud of myself. And it took me a long time to be able to say things like that to myself. To speak kindly and positively of myself. But yea, I’m proud of myself. It wasn’t the prettiest way. The journey was really ugly, but with the help of the Lord and the support that I have from my husband and my family and my friends, like I got through it. As an AUsome mom, I’ve learned how to advocate for my family…that’s something that I could never do for myself. It’s much easier to do it for your child. And it’s taught me a lot about speaking up for myself and setting boundaries. I feel empowered. Just like beating cancer was empowering, having my children, both times, leading multiple gyms. With all these things, I just get a huge sense of empowerment. I feel like I’m fueling my fire. Even if it’s just a little spark right now.

I’m in this reinventive stage of life, I’m learning how to be an individual again. I am confident that what I’ve gone through was only preparing me for the future. So, while things may seem daunting, I love that I can look back and say, ‘You know what, you’re a warrior! You made it through. You got some scars, but we love scars. They tell a story.’